I feel as if I am missing out on things. UNCC was never my choice for college and the fact that I went here is a topic for another discussion. However, I can honestly say that I have met some amazing people and I have good memories in Charlotte. I just have never felt like I belonged here. I never felt a connection here and I don't think a lot of people could relate to me.
I see people making friends in college and sharing a close bond. This is something lacking in my life. I don't really have a close bond with anyone for that matter. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends that I love, but at the same time, I don't share a very close personal bond with all of them. I really long for this kind of relationship and it makes me sad to see other people who share it because it is amazing.
I have a hard time trusting people because of the many times I have been hurt, not just by acquaintances but by my own family. I am jealous of people who have friends and family that are 100% supportive and not manipulative. I don't have that kind of support in my life. This tends to make me shut off my emotions and keep people at a distance because I am tired of feeling hurt.
In addition, I HATE being the victim, or dwelling on my problems, but it's hard not to when your wounds are constantly re-inflicted. I usually just brush off my problems by believing I will be a stronger person for dealing with this crap, but what good is it to be the "stronger" person when I always feel alone.
I have so much to give, I just want to love and be loved in return. I want to fill this emptiness inside of me... it aches so much.
I think I've been dwelling on this even more because of recent events concerning the murder of Ira Yarmolenko. I only met her once at a UNCC production of "Urinetown the Musical" and she was such an amazing person. A lot of her friends and specifically, an amazingly talented musician Jeremy Current, have spoken a lot about love and regret.
I recently attended one of Jeremy's performances and it was a very overwhelming experience. The emotion I felt from his expression of loss of a person whom he loved is something I long for. I hate seeing people hurt because I know how terrible it feels.
It makes me wonder if anyone would feel that way about me if something happened.
Last night, Jenn and I sat on her front porch calling police on people trying to pick up prostitutes/prostitutes wanting to be picked up. It was interesting because before I went home six cops showed up:
The idea of being a prostitute is so odd to me. I can't imagine selling my body to random people. I guess it's just an act of desperation, yet there seems like there would be better things to do. After all, how much money could prostitutes actually make? The ones near Jenn's house are hideous -- most of them are men dressed as women. Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who has slept with the dredge of Charlotte?
I guess the ability to sell oneself signifies an emptiness in their life. Even with all of my problems, I can't imagine the degree of pain that would lead someone to prostitution. How would sex be special anymore?
On a different note, my acceptance into Pratt Institute was the happiest moment of my life. I am ecstatic about the prospect of going to a college I love. I can't wait to study in an enriched environment full of talent. I feel a connection to Pratt, which hopefully will lead to meaningful relationships that I long for.
No comments:
Post a Comment